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-----Original Message-----
From: "Mordechai - Shalom Bayis 911" <Mordechai@ShalomBayis911.org>
Sender:
288608@priorityoneemail.com
Date: Mon, 04 May 2015 00:24:35
To: Rav Moshe<
rabbig@sakar.com>
Reply-To: Mordechai@ShalomBayis911.org
Subject: You blew it? It's okay; I'll love you anyway.
Hi Rav,
In Genesis, Hashem asks Adam and Chava not to eat
from the tree of knowledge of good and evil. After
being tempted by the serpent, Adam and Chava
disobey Hashem and eat from the tree.
Yup, they blew it.
And, of course, your spouse blows it sometimes
too.
But we can learn a lot about how to conduct
ourselves in our marriage when our spouse blows it
by how Hashem treats Adam and Chava after their
blunder. You know what He does? He realizes what
they need and He gives it to them.
After Adam and Chava disobey Hashem they realize
they're naked and they feel embarrassed. Hashem
sees that they're embarrassed so he gives them
clothing.
He gives them clothing? Shouldn't He let them
suffer the consequences of their choice? Isn't He
condoning their behavior by continuing to care for
them? Let them be embarrassed, right?
No.
Love gives. Period. It's not complicated. And
that's what makes it so hard.
Loving someone means taking care of them, giving
them what they need, whether they deserve it or
not. In fact, it's that kind of unconditional
giving and caring that prevents a single mistake
in a marriage from spiraling out of control and
leading to more mistakes.
You see, usually, when one spouse blows it, the
other spouse uses that as justification to blow it
themselves. Of course, that only makes matters
worse.
But imagine if every time your spouse made a
mistake you tended to their need that was created
by that mistake.
For example, let's say you ask your spouse not to
leave the sewing box at the top of the basement
steps because if it gets knocked down it'll empty
and make a big mess. They ignore you and do it
anyway. And, in fact, your dog knocks the sewing
box down the basement steps and it makes a huge
mess.
What does your spouse need now?
Your spouse would need 2 things, I think:
1. Help cleaning up the sewing box pieces.
2. Relief from feeling stupid and wrong.
Normally, most spouses would say "I told you not
to"... and leave their spouse to clean up the mess
themselves; essentially allowing them to suffer
the practical and emotional consequences of their
mistake. This, of course, makes matters worse
between husband and wife, and begins the downward
spiral.
But why not be more like Hashem was with Adam and
Chava. It's true your spouse blew it, but that
created needs which you can now fulfill. You might
say to your spouse, "I told that dog to stay away
from the sewing box" (shifting the blame to the
dog and relieving their emotional guilt). And then
you might help them with the clean up (relieving
their practical burden).
There's no doubt that giving your spouse what they
need in the face of their mistake is a difficult
choice for you to make, but consider the
difference it would make in your marriage.
When your spouse makes their next mistake (that
won't take more than a week, right?), instead of
letting them suffer the consequences of their
choice, ease their pain. Whatever need your spouse
might have as a result of their mistake, take care
of it. Basically Rav, be like Hashem. I
know it's a tall task, but you can do it! And
it'll make a heavens worth of difference in your
marriage.
Mordechai
Founder & Director
www.ShalomBayis911.org
4701 Falls Road
Baltimore, MD 21209
Copyright Mordechai Yaakov
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